i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
