if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
