you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
