Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Randomize
