The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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