He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
