I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
