Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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