Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
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