You really coming over, don't trick.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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