Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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