There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
