there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
