If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
