Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
