if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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