Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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