I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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