he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I can't turn off my feet"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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