you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
