proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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