Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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