We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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