I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
