I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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