went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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