ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
home. puking in laundry basket.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
