I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Princesses don't give blow jobs
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
