and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
