Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
