i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
