Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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