new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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