She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
