Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
