It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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