I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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