Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
