My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
