So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize