as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
