so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
that is very illegal...i love you.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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