Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my sisters under your porch take her home
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
