It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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