I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
