I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
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