I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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