Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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