someone threw a dead crab at me
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
