Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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