We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
