Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
