if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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